Monday, February 11, 2013

Battery HELL!

I am convince that battery operated toys are nothing but a cruel joke created by toy manufacturers to make psychiatric asylums more money by driving parents bat shit insane! It seems there is nothing toy wise short of buying everyone a bag of dirt that doesn't take batteries for something. When I was a kid almost nothing seemed to have batteries, or they did and my parents tossed away or returned the dreaded gifts usually supplied by grandparents, aunts and uncles because "Hey, they aren't our kids!" so we'll spoil um and make mom and dad suffer the consequences. The worst part about it is that having a blind child in our mix we kind of HAVE to aid in the noise making revolution of battery operated toy hell. We don't even get the joy of saying "Dammit Grandma, we're gunna kill her for this!" and unlike most parents who have figured out that batteries eventually die and as far as the kids are concerned the toy dies with it we have to keep stock in the battery chain. From noise making balls to talking barbie without noise makers our house would be toy hell for Miriam. I try to take comfort in knowing the joy my daughter gets out of battery operated toys but when all 4 of my kids have four or a thousand different noise makers going off at any given time I can't help but the wish I myself were deaf. Though I can't live without you , I hate you batteries, you are making me prematurely bald!

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Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Feeling low

I am so frustrated today, i'm trying to lift myself up with prayer and positive thoughts but I just want to break down into tears. First off we get news that there are some issues with Griffin's custody. I can't go into details but there are some things preventing it from going through and we have now once again let Griffin down. For the last six years it feels as if that is all we have ever done, let him down. I know he is here now, getting what he needs but we are all tired of living our lives under a microscope like lab rats.

On top of that we heard from the school psychiatrist who along with the Autism & blindness she is most likely going to be diagnosed with a speech disability and what "used" to be know as Mental retardation but they now call "intellectual disability". As if the old diagnoses wasn't enough of a sword through the heart for us they have to tack on something else. We know Miriam is not like other children, we know she most likely won't have her own apartment, find true love, have babies or live in her own apartment. She is going to live with us for the rest of our lives. We accept that, but for some reason adding the Mental diagnosis on top of everything hurts and gives my faith a big kick in the gut. I know these are just words but as the saying goes, words hurt! Tomorrow I will be meeting with the psychiatrist to complete Miriam's assessment, I don't look forward to it because it feels as if I a walking my daughter to the end of the plank.

I hate labels and I hate CPS for hurting the good people while the bad people get away with abuse time and time again. I want to scream!

On a happier and more tasty note and because I like to drown my sorrows in food stop on by my Shoe Nation blog for a great delicious Vegetarian Lasagna recipe.

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Monday, January 28, 2013

Idaho bound!

I finally decided it is time to update everyone on our lives and get this blog moving again. First off to those of you who have been following us for years you know the battle we have had with my step-son Griffin. Well, finally after being removed from his mothers home by CPS he was sent to live with us. Tom and I after years of not knowing where he was have full custody of him. He has been through all sorts of hell but he is back with us and thriving. It is partially for his sake that we have decided to move. Griffin has greatly expressed his fears of his past to us and we decided a new start for us all as a family unit would be the perfect way to put it all behind us and start the road to being a healthy happy family united. And we decided on Ohio!

Because of the rules with Griffin we sent all of the kids back to school to help him adapt to life with NORMAL rules. It was a hard decision but everything is working out for the best. It is going to be hard to pick up and leave a good school for Miriam but the school isn't that great for Griffin. I won't go into why but all of our issues will be easily solved by moving away from Texas. Miriam would still get a good school and Griffin's issues would be worked out. He has so many fears of his mother and step father from being kidnapped to being killed, all because we live so close to them. It's sad that a child has to deal with such horrific thoughts. Since we made the decision to move we have noticed less anxiety and he has been so happy, telling everyone about the move.

As far as the girls, well Miriam is speaking, engaging, learning, she can count to 10 with assistance and has been officially diagnosed with Autism. Georgia is enjoying her first year at school, she is in kindergarten and is smart as a whip and Sophia is enjoying her time alone with ME during the day.

I sure do hope to be able to get the fire started again in my family blog. There is just so much going on at a single given time that I never know what to do with myself. Blogging relaxes me but once it starts becoming something I "have" to do I get bored easily. How do you mommy bloggers stay focused on blogging?

Anyway, on another note, anyone want to come blog hop with me? :)

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Sunday, January 27, 2013


Hey everyone! I know I haven't blogged about the family in a long time. We are all doing great and getting ready for a long move to Ohio in a few months. I hope to start updating this blog a bit more often but it always seems life gets in the way. I am keeping a fashion blog which takes loads less time than a family blog. Something to take the edge off and make me feel human when the "mommy blues" get a bit overwhelming. I would love it if all my followers here would come say hello there. We have a great giveaway going on right now and also one on our FB page. Hope to see you there!

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Monday, September 19, 2011

Learning to please MYSELF!

I have finally realized what the most difficult thing about being married is and that is pleasing my husbands family. For years I , not him, have worked at creating relationships between us and them. I work really hard and go an extra mile to keep all of us in touch so the girls can have relationships with them. Tom would just assume it just be us, he has been hurt so much that he doesn't care either way but we both have different ideas about what family means. Somewhere along the line I have stopped being who I am or I hide who I am because some people with their snide comments over the years have made me ashamed to be me. But I have decided that I am no longer going to walk on a tightrope with anyone. I love my husbands family because they are family but they have to take me as I am if they want to continue to have relationships with MY family. Life is too short to try to be what everyone else wants you to be. I know I am a good person, a good mother and a good wife. THAT is ALL that matters. It doesn't matter if they think those things of me. I know where I stand with God and the people in this house.

It took me years to train myself to not care what my own family thinks of me, they are no different than my own extended family. The second I moved off to college my own extended family started telling everyone I was stuck up just for escaping and becoming college educated. Tom's family on the other hand could care less about my education, they blow it off like it never happened when I try to talk about it. Like recently at the family reunion when I mentioned that I had a degree in Business, the person I mentioned it to blew me off like it was nothing, like the idea of my being educated was laughable. It hurt my feelings tremendously because I had a lot of respect for the person who did it. I thought it was just me but Tom said he saw it too and even he got mad about it.

From now on, this is me, like it or leave it because I am done hiding it!

1. I am HONEST, sometimes, TOO HONEST. I like to express my feelings with written word because sometimes to express them in person deflates me. I am bi-Polar and sometimes my emotions come out in not so positive ways when the words flow out of my mouth. I am good at expressing myself via the written word. I have even been well paid to write and express myself and several of my poems have been published. Writing is how I do things!

2. I CURSE, I LOVE to curse. I don't do it in front of my kids but I do it. God doesn't care that I curse so you shouldn't either. Fuck, fuck, fuck.....See? My favorite word!

3. I have a bit of a dirty mind when it comes to a sense of humor. Sometimes my humor can be dry, sometimes childish, sometimes it's the humor of a dirty old man!

4. I love music and dancing which is why sometimes out of nowhere I break out into song and dance just for the hell of it!

5. I am a broken person, I was abused very badly growing up, I lost my best friend to suicide and I was raped as a teenager. I have spent my life dealing with those problems. Sometimes that scarred person shows through. Things that might not effect you WILL effect me. My emotions are a product of my existence. I do not live in my past but in the form of my emotions being heightened my past lives with me.

6. I am VERY religious! While I may not go to church as often as I should have I pray a thousand times a day. Sometimes people take it as talking to myself but really I am just having a deep discussion with the only person in my life who has ALWAYS been there and never failed me. I pray more often than anyone I know and my prayers aren't like most people's. I talk to God like he was in the room with me. Don't assume I am nuts if you see me taking to myself.

7. I am STRONG but at the same time I am weak. Strength only goes so far, sometimes my weakness over powers my strength. I hide my weakness but the truth is so much I pretend to not be bothered by really does bother me. But because I am strong I pretend it doesn't and I move forward.

8. I don't have the slightest clue how to express myself! I spend so much time thinking about what to say as not to turn people off that I forget how to talk. This leads to my not talking at all. I am not stuck up, pompous or any of the sort. I am just shy to no end in person, I feel awkward all the time. Unless I have had a few drinks in me then you might not want to be in my path to hear what I have to say. lol

All of the above is part of who I am. Negative traits or not I am not going to ignore me anymore! You take me with all of those problems (because God knows you have plenty of your own and he/I accept you! I can tell you right here that YOU are NOT perfect) or you can go your own way. Either way, nice to meet you!

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Sunday, September 18, 2011

Unschooling...The REAL thing?

So this year I have been doing a lot of research on unschooling and during my research I have realized that there are 2 types of unschoolers. One type being unschoolers who leave it all to their kids, lazy parents who hide behind the premise of unschooling so they can sleep until 8am and go about their day normally. And the second type that try to make their day as unschool like as possible but still manage to fit in learning activities using every day life & events such as cooking to learn math and logic skills, reading as a family, alphabet as games, crafts as fun, etc... I was absolutely amazed that I found more blogs with parents who fit into the first type than the second. Children still need to be educated but them waking up, eating, reading in bed, going for a walk, coming home and watching cartoons & movies while you clean, then taking them out to the thrift store once a week is NOT education. You are teaching your kids NOTHING but how to sit around on their asses and become lazy and ignorant. How can any parent feel good with that kind of choice? Leaving a childs education up to their child? When you are homeschooling or unschooling you are taking on the job of caring for your children, part of caring for them is educating them!

Without the help of those lazy example A. parents we have decided that unschooling is for us and this is how I predict our days are going to go. Each day, every day 365 days a week. It is going to take us a while to get into the routine of every day living and learning but I think if I personally start off with a "life schedule" it will help ME to ease into including the girls in EVERYTHING that I do. Including all 3 of our girls in my activities is how I plan on unschooling, that includes making our weekends a daily part of our lives. On the weekend we do so much as a family, play games, read, go out, bake. Instead of the weekend these will become daily activities!

Here is an example of how I intend on our unschool day going:

Wake up @ 7am and make/serve breakfast together
1 hour of TV time, educational TV while eating breakfast
Color, play with legos or play with play-dough together.
Choose what we are making for lunch/dinner and take out meat for dinner
Clean up the house, helping each other in each area of the house.
Go play outside or go for a walk, using this time to learn about nature, etc...
Come inside, make/eat lunch. Read bible stories while we have lunch.
Watch our learn to read DVD's then read a book.
Bake a cake or our bread for the day
Play a learning game together.
30 minute nap for girls while mommy has a few minutes. ;-)
Craft something from one of our craft books.
Play dress up with the girls.
Start dinner & let the girls set the table.
Eat dinner
Watch a family movie or have free play.
Read a book
Go to bed
Wake up and do it all again!

Of course some days we will fit in activities such as the Zoo, museums and other outings. But this is what I hope our typical day will be like. Just us spending time together and using that time to learn. I hope to use our everyday activities to fit in everything from logic skills to math skills. I know it is going to be a challenge at first. We normally do things together but never to the extent of doing EVERYTHING together. Of course they will have their time to play by themselves so I can have some peace of mind and alone time but you get the just of it. Wish us luck!

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Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Happy Birthday Miriam!

7 years ago yesterday a dream that I never thought to dream because according to many professionals was never possible came true. 7 years ago my oldest daughter, my salvation was born and I became a mother. Many Dr’s before her had told me how near impossible it would be for me to carry a child to term without complications which would most likely lead to a miscarriage. My Miriam and each of my girls have proven all of those DR’s wrong and the words of DR. Wilkerson, the wonderful man who delivered my first and second beautiful angels “Sometimes, Dr’s don’t know everything” became the truest thing I had ever heard. He had no explanation as to why I was able to carry a child, even less of an explanation as to how I managed to carry two but I did and the blessings I have experienced have been immeasurable. Of course, none of my pregnancies have been ideal, with all 3 complications were evident from the start. Miriam being the absolute most difficult pregnancy of all. The first few months of her existence inside of me was a barrel of miscarriage scares, near miscarrying with her several times. The entire 9 months I spent my life in and out of the hospital, always ending up on an IV because I was so deathly ill I could not hold down one drop of real food. Some days, I couldn’t hold down water and she herself had a heart murmur that was monitored closely. The murmur affected her a great deal during labor and after 17 hours of horrific labor with no pain medication I was told there would be a change in my birthing plan because she was dying. I couldn’t imagine a world that didn’t include the baby who had been torturing me for almost 10 months so I did everything I could. I was rushed into an emergency C-section for complications that insured I would never give birth to a child any other way. My Miriam was born with severe jaundice, she was so orange she looked almost burnt. She in no way resembled a child that came from the body of one of the palest Irish women in the world! She wouldn’t eat, so they had to force feed her and she didn’t live outside of a box for 2 weeks. When she was finally allowed to go home it was not without a room of equipment because she was still severely jaundiced never eating more than 2 ounces a DAY. 2 days after she came home, she stopped eating again, her jaundice got worse and she had to be returned to the hospital where she stayed for another 2 weeks. It was a crazy time for Tom and I not knowing if our child was going to starve to death. Eventually though, she made it home and we began to have a chance to enjoy the cries of a baby around the house. Everyone had always told us how much a baby cries, Miriam however almost never cried. It was kind of nice having such a quiet child in the house, we got so used to the quiet that it would throw us out of whack when we would go out in public and she would go insane. Any loud noise would make her cry a cry so loud and so long that it was near unbearable. Eventually we just stopped taking her out and became homebodies, something we still are to this day. Of course 3 months later we would be told that she was blind, 6 months later that she had Septo Optic Dysphasia and Pan Hypopituitarism, years later we would be told her hearing was the most sensitive hearing ever recorded by DR’s at Dell Children’s hospital. It took 4 years to understand why she would go insane in public places. And 6 years into her little life we would have confirmation of another demon called Autism. Miriam’s diagnosis took longer than most children with severe Autism because Septo Optic Dysplasia demonstrates similar symptoms for the first 5 years or so of life. As odd as it is though, we were kind of relieved to finally have answers so that we could tackle it dead on. Through all of this craziness the birth of such a child changed us in ways we could never have imagined before. Where patience was low, it became high, where life was foggy, it became clear, where hope was lost, it became found and where Love was not understood, it became the most easily understood thing in the world. So many parents who have disabled children beat themselves up and often become fearful of ever having another child. Tom and I don’t feel that way. The birth of Miriam was the most amazing thing that ever happened to either of us and so was all that came with her. No parent dreams of such news about their child but we embraced it regardless. Miriam is so special, her smiles is brighter than any smile I have ever seen in my life and it was only logical that despite the 50/50 chance we would have another child like her we were not going to give up our God given right to give children to this world. If God wanted another child with the same issues Miriam had, so be it! When people use the term special needs, all I hear is special and that is what Miriam is. Who would we be to deny the world of one more person forever free of violence, hate, bigotry and physical judgment. Miriam is as God wants us all to be, she is innocent, she is his as he intends her to be, perfect! What a blessing it is to have her.

Happy 7th Birthday my beautiful Miriam Monkey, mommy and daddy wouldn't change one second of those 7 years!

Pictures of Miriam at only 1/2 a day old and a day after we brought her home the first time.

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