Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Life is worth living!

Since I was first diagnosed with having cancer cells on my cervix I found myself in a downward mental spiral and it has been really hard picking myself back up again. A part of me really wanted to take the reigns and live my life to the fullest and another part of me was so defeated it didn't know what to do. I think in the end I fell somewhere in between living and not knowing what to do which just caused me to be seriously depressed. And considering I have suffered from Manic depression (IE: Bi-Polar disorder) most of my life the depression hit REALLY hard. I found myself not having anything positive to say, thinking horrible thoughts and just wanting to give up at times. I felt like I didn't have much support, friends who I thought were my real friends failed me and my family at times seemed so neutral. For a while I wasn't sure what I expected out of anyone until I started thinking about it and realized that I wanted someone to be PISSED OFF with me. I didn't want anyone to treat me like a delicate flower out of water, I wanted someone to not only listen to me yell but to yell with me. I didn't really get that, I got just the opposite, sometimes i got people who didn't seem to care at all like my brother who just shook it off saying "Oh well, nothing I can do about it!". Even though, I had supportive people, people who genuinely cared about whether I lived or died I still felt so alone.

Today I am starting to get myself pulled back together even though finances have kept me from going back for my follow up which I REALLY need to do within the next 2 weeks. I am finding myself smiling more and saying/thinking more positively. I know without a doubt that I do have many great blessings from a husband who loves me to children who always smile to a steady income. God is with me, he provides me strength even when I don't feel like he is providing said strength. This trial has showed me that he does love me and no matter what he is always going to stand by my side.

He has even blessed my husband in the past week, prompting him to go to his first A.A. meeting. I am proud that he made that choice on his own without any prompting. I really think opening up about it to our family and our readers helped him to see how much it was hurting us. The pay off was not only stepping into the light of realization but it also brought him some pretty good business contacts as he has been trying to find a second job to help us get back on our feet and closer to family. Which is something we realized we really needed going through the trial of my being sick. I pray with all of my heart that he continues to move forward with his choice to attend A.A. as it will do wonders for our families well being in the future.

Sometimes it takes a trial or two to make you appreciate the life you have. I certainly appreciate the one I have even though it is a little bit chaotic and dysfunctional at times. But then again, whose life isn't? Living and being happy isn't about having a smile on your face 24 hours a day, it is what it comes down to at that last second of the day when you lay your head on your pillow. If your last thought is of something wonderful, like your husband , your children , God or even just the big beautiful sky above then you KNOW your life is worth living. If your last thought is of anything negative all it takes is to change the last thought to something positive. I am confident that we ALL have something beautiful to think about before we end our day.

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