Thursday, July 28, 2011

Feeling unworthy of love or care!

I don't normally use the family blog as a place to complain about my life or my husband but I feel almost as if the walls are closing in on me because I feel so uncared for by my husband. I have shared these feelings with him but all he does is scoff at me and vanish into the bedroom. One week ago today I had a pretty decent amount of surgery, I had part of my cervix removed, cancer lasered from my body, a D&C and 2 more things that I can't even remember at the moment. I have wanted to and tried to sit back and take it easy as I am bleeding quite a bit from the procedure and in a moderate amount of pain from my back, to my stomach, to my legs but I have failed miserably. After the surgery I came home and went to bed, the next day , even though my husband went to work and my kids were running crazy I laid about on the couch. Those first 2 days my husband did a few things to help, it was easy since neighbors and friends were bringing our meals. The first 2 days of any surgery I have ever had have been "my rest days" as it seems 2 days is the amount of time it takes me to get better in the eyes of my husband. 2 days is the amount of days that help STOPS, dead stops unless I ask him, sometimes not even asking helps and we get into an argument. This was the same behavior after all of my C-sections as well. 2 days, 2 days and no matter what the extent of the surgery I am perfect again. Of course this is nowhere near true, I should be with my feet on a pillow relaxing as we speak but no, I am doing no such thing. Right now, at midnight I am doing laundry, laundry he dropped "off" in the laundry room an hour ago. Laundry I thought he was going to wash himself until I asked "did you forget to turn on the washer" and he said "no, I just left it for you to do later.". At that moment, minutes after a scab fell out and blood started pouring out of my body my jaw dropped and I almost broke down into tears. It occurred to me that I have become NOTHING but the person who does his laundry, his dishes, cooks his meals an cleans his house. I am no longer a human being with feelings who is hurting and fighting, I am a paid employee with no benefits and we are no longer partners. Have we ever been real partners? I am so disturbed right now that I can't even remember when we were. I know some of you are thinking "I wouldn't have done it" but alas he is the bread winner and he has a job interview tomorrow so he needed clean clothes. I rather enjoy food in my kids bellies and having a roof over their heads (and mine!). So after he gave a childish "Oh fine, fine, I will just do it, I only have to be up at 4am, 3 hours of sleep is fine" (yeah, I have to be up early to care for our CHILDREN but that doesn't matter I guess) to avoid the argument, because I am hurting and don't have one in me, I did it. I honestly do not know what it would take to get my husband to be more of a partner than some sexist pig who seems to think I will live forever. We just recently went through a month of thinking I might be dying from cancer and that didn't even phase him, will anything? I love my husband, he has so many other redeeming qualities, I know he loves me but I am starting to wonder if he actually loves "me" or if he just loves the idea of having me around because he thinks I won't ever leave. All I can say is that this isn't the first marriage boat I have taken. I met the last straw once before and after all we have gone through the past few years (some insane stuff!) it seems to me the last straw might be coming around for another visit. I fight daily to forgive because that is what my father would want, but my father in heaven would also want my husband to take care of me when I needed him to....right?

I don't know what to do but I do know that I wish everyone would quit telling me to let others do for me or to just let it all be. 1. There is NOBODY to do for me. 2. When you have a disabled child with a HORRIBLE immune system who is blind and will trip over crap in the floor filth is NOT an option.

PS. This is what my house looks like right now. Dishes/food still on the table, piles of dishes and filthy counters in the kitchen, piles of laundry in the laundry room (including more in our room) and crap thrown all over the living room floor/furniture. It isn't HORRIBLE but after breakfast, it will be! By the way, I even made his lunch, couldn't even get him to put his own meal into Tupperware!

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1 comment:

  1. Oh Jenna, I'm sorry you're going through this. You are so worthy. I wish I could drop by and do your laundry, dishes and such. Is ther any way you can just throw things in some bins for now until you have recovered. When I don't feel good I feed the kiddos and dh cereal for supper.Use paper plates. I know this is all easier said then done but you need to get better first. Then you cant tackle the house.