Posted by J.L. BOSTICK at 8:55 PM
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
I am not sure why but for the longest time I thought to myself that if only we "knew" why Miriam was like she was that I would somehow be able to cope with it a little bit better. We got past all of the fits that everyone said was caused by the Septo Optic Dysplasia, they were crazy, maddening and headache inducing but we got through them so why is it these "new" fits are making me insane? I know I am not supposed to admit I am going crazy but I am not exactly someone who keeps everything bottled up, they are making me NUTS! It seems once she hit the big 6 everything changed. Her fits are absolutely astronomical, sometimes she throws fits just to throw them while screaming "stop throwing a fit" over and over and over again. We used to be able to sit in a restaurant and have a semi pleasant time but not anymore. The second we walk through the door of an eating establishment she goes mad with waterworks. The funny thing is , she isn't even crying REAL tears! It is the most fake display of emotion I have ever seen in my life. She cries and talks REALLY loud. We went out a few days before Christmas and literally had to leave because she spoke at the top of her lungs. Screamed she wanted "ice tea" about 100 times before she got the tea, screamed at me to shut up, hush up, etc and did the "stop throwing a fit" time and time again. It was fine while we were sitting in an empty restaurant but once people started coming there was no way we were sticking around. We did get somewhat of a break at our New Years breakfast the other day. Once she started her door tears I took her straight to the bathroom where we stayed until she calmed down. I thought for sure it wasn't going to work because I took her out and the second we left I had to turn around and take her right back. After a few minutes she quieted and actually stayed that way all through dinner. The funny thing is, at breakfast she was the most quiet she has ever been, quiet as a mouse with her tea and her french fries (about all she will eat these days) and this was the day someone chose to say something to me. The lady sitting next to us must have been "waiting" for the opportunity to say something because the moment Tom left for the ens room she leaned over and said "You know, I raised 4 girls, they were all mean just like yours, they abandoned me and are still mean, that is your future" then Tom came back and she immediately shut up. I wanted to kick, scream, tell that woman what an idiot she was, (if I was younger maybe even punch her lights out..lol) and that my kids weren't mean. Heck my other 2 hadn't made a sound since we had gotten there other than telling us what they wanted to eat. It is people like her that make it hard on these kids, why so many parents keep their children locked in the house. Well, I got news for that lady and anyone else out there, my child WILL NOT be some miserable recluse and we will beat this Autism thing. I don't know how but we will do it, I know there is no cure but people push the limits of Autism everyday. I just wish I knew why now, why is it the ugly head of Autism is making it's grand appearance at such a full force now? I know it has always been Autism, not just the SOD that caused her strange behavior but it has never been so bad before. I always dreamed of the day the endocrinologists always told me about though, the day they said everything would fall into place for her. The day she would start moving towards normal as far as her mind went. I got over the idea of her never being able to see my face in a conversation but I am having trouble with the fact that conversation might never come. I think the Autism has now become harder than the blindness, harder than the medications, harder than any of it. I just want to talk to my baby, have her understand me and have her talk back. The one blessing I try to find in it all is that not only can she tell me the things she wants to a point but she can smile when so many autistic children cannot. I don't think I could handle never getting to see that perfect smile of hers. My beautiful perfect Miriam who might never be able to have a full conversation with me but will always be able to tell me she loves me just by the joy on her face. I guess in the end, that smile is what all of us special needs moms and dads are working towards. What any parent works for!